I blog because writing helps me get my thoughts out on “paper”.
I just like expressing my feelings or thoughts.
I know I write a lot about this past year of my life, probably because it has been transforming for me.
Remember being a kid? Waking up on a saturday morning caring about nothing other than saturday morning cartoons and breakfast. Those were the days. Or having play dates set up by your parents so it was easy to maintain your friendships with peers. We were served our whole childhood to some degree.
Leaving that way of thinking behind and clinging to the reality of the present takes some mental adjustment. I spent so much time wanting to grow up that I did not realize how great I had it made as a kid. Life was easy. Life was different. That was a season. Now its over. VERY OVER. As much as I rant and vent and pray and cry that will not change life as I now know it. I don’t want my life to change. I want God to change me. That is whats happening. I am uncomfortable. He is making me uncomfortable. I can feel myself dying a little more so my spirit can yield to a higher calling.
I know for some that may sound “spiritual” but in layman’s terms: I am learning to be more selfless so I can love and serve others better. So I can treat people more highly than myself. Let me be honest, I am not the most selfless person at times and I often want my way, which is why I need to be broken (humbled) once again.
I would love to think that the breaking would only occur once a year. Unfortunately, we will never be perfect therefore if we (I) yield to the breaking, then that will occur daily. Daily I will have to give my words, attitude, impatience, desires, dreams, passions, insecurities, and needs to Christ. I need him. Weeks like this one, where I think I can do things on my own, remind me of how much I need Jesus. The minute I play, my new favorite song, Closer by Bethel Church while driving, my hands are raised in my car, I am singing loudly and passionately to the one I adore, and I am reminded of how much I desperately NEED Him.
Worship is my life line. Its my favorite way to show God how much I honestly adore Him. I literally feel like I am worshipping at his throne-just honored to be at his feet. Honored that he loves me. That he chose me. That he sees me. I truly don’t deserve his love, mercy, or grace. His unconditional love restores me.
Some people assume because I haven’t had sex, done drugs, or participated in the party scene that I am “holier than thou”. WRONG! That is far from true. Sin is sin. There is no perfect person. I fail and falter daily. I have been submitting my character to God for years now. I have come a long way but I still have a long ways to go. I have callings and depths that I have not reached yet in the heart of God, partly because I haven’t yielded myself to it. Yep, I said it- because I haven’t yielded myself. Which means what? I have resisted God calling me deeper. BUT it’s time for me to say yes. Have I lost anyone yet?
I am working on letting things go. I tend to hold onto things that I shouldn’t. Carry burdens that aren’t mine. Care what people think about me and how they view me. Lets get real, if you know me well, you understand that I am a free spirit. I randomly dance and sing around the house when I am full of energy, I speak my mind, I love deeply, I rant about issues, I love finding solutions to problems, I have new sayings and phrases for each year, I love people, I enjoy being by myself sometimes, I love my family, thrifting is always enjoyable, writing is my outlet, vintage/hipster coffee shops are my favorite, and I love music and singing. Still with all of that, I am learning to be more comfortable with myself. Someone will always have an opinion about my hair, what I say, what I do, or what I wear. If I took everyones opinion into account and tried to measure up to those opinions, I’d be one super confused individual. I would never get ahold of who I am.
So submitting my will to God begins when I let go of all the opinions spoken. I know its time for me to, once again, grow in another level of trust with my Abba Father. To release my life to him. I am learning to whole heartedly commit my heart and mind to Christ. To trust him with my job and my future. My life.
Seasons are changing and I am okay with that.
For all of us young people: Dont let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator [Your Abba]. Honor Him in your youth before you grow old and say, “Life is not pleasant anymore.” Ecclesiastes 12:1
My prayer is that we all continue to remember him in our daily lives no matter how busy we get.
Rambling the love letters of my heart,